Transverse tribulations

The weeks are counting down. Time has a funny way of playing with you depending on what you want. There is a mixture of fear and anticipation melting in the furnace of my heart. So many things to consider. My daughter seems to like laying on her side. So what? It isn’t the end of the world, but it could go something like this:

• In two weeks I go for another scan.

• If she is still transverse I am to be admitted to the hospital.

• I stay there for the remainder of my pregnancy.

• I will have a pretty high chance of needing a c-section.

• My husband is going away on a tour 3 weeks after I am due and will be gone for almost 3 months.


Now, all of this still has a chance to change. I spend the bulk of my energy each day trying to support our little rebel into a better position. Pelvic tilts, yoga, swimming, headstands in the pool etc. I have even shone a light on the underside of my belly. She doesn’t really react. I wouldn’t be in too much of a whirlwind about this except that I read this situation is very rare after 32 weeks for a first pregnancy. I am at 35. I also read that the womb that should be squeezing and shifting her upright, will now be adjusting to her will and accommodating horizontal baby instead. I am adapting to her. Parenthood.

In totality, it isn’t the end of the world. I could have my c-section, D will go away, and I will recover on my own with a little one to love at the same time. It will be fine which ever way it goes. I need to keep reminding myself of this as I pull further away from a birthing ideal I have created in my mind. I need to remind my self of this when I start getting mad at my little one for being stubborn. I need to remind myself of this when I am feeling as low as I have been, because if there is anything I think I am good at, it is adaptation. What I seem to have a hard time with is having faith that the situation will change. That she will turn. Because she may. It is really likely, in fact. When she is ready. I am not in control. This is parenthood.

the post that was

This post was supposed to be a funny little diddy about how D and I collected an entire Volvo station wagon full of lavender that now resides on my living room floor waiting to be bundled. I would make quips about how every time I went to tie the stocks into bundles I got too tiered and needed a nap.

Then this post was going to be about a thunder fly, or a very small fly about a mm long, that crawled between layers of my screen. When I tried to move it off my screen it squished between the layers. I now have a bug in the middle of my screen that is driving me nuts.

Now this post is about love and loss. As I have mentioned before, this seems to be a time of losing people. Yesterday a close friend of my husband died of brain cancer. She was my age. Last year she was diagnosed with breast cancer, had both removed, went into remission. She collapsed shortly after and was diagnosed with brain cancer. She died in her sleep being held by her lover, D’s best friend. My heart aches for him now.

So I don’t really have any stories that I feel like expanding. I can hear the tractors in the distance. Little kids are playing somewhere near by. A few birds are hanging out on our front lawn. I have laundry to do, lavender to bundle. My heart clings to those I love and I pray this is the end of my peers dieing for the moment. I pray for the hearts of our loved ones that are in pain to have reprieve.

32 weeks in the garden

With stretch marks that show the paths of where I have been...


I will follow them less than two more months.