Fragility

Adding to the fragility of life around me, another person of significance has died in his sleep. The third person in my life in the past week. It would be more overwhelming if I participated in it. I stand back, however, and think of the living. The loved ones all three of these people have left behind. I also think of my friends, the ones I hold dear, and give thanks that they remain. The man who died last night, and his ex-wife, were the best friends of my parents when they were a young couple. They had children at the same time. Their daughter born a few months before myself and their son a month after my brother. To this day my brother and their son are the best of friends. They moved to the west, we moved to the west. We even lived with them for a short period while my parents found housing. Then we moved to a larger city within the same province and they did the same. Our families were very close. Then, over time, they stopped participating in my parents lives. They stopped engaging in the love. My parents were hurt. Their friendship drifted. My memories of my “Uncle” revolve around all of us children gathering in a closet and him shining a flashlight into his mouth and making his false teeth rattle around scaring the living cap out of each of us… then wanting more. I remember how much he looked like Mr. Bean. Then the memories fade. They become adult memories, the kind when adults stop being the ultimate rulers of your life and drift into the background of your experiences.

So, with all those people who have died this week, I give thanks for what they brought to my life. I ache for their families. I try to remember the best memories I have of each of them and I pray this is the last of my life that will die this week.

Summer Solstice: Litha

Summer Solstice:

In the pagan wheel of the year, summer solstice, or Litha is a very festive holy day. It is the time when the sun is out for longer than any other day of the year. Pagan lore talks about the fight between the Oak God and the Holly God ending with the Holly God winning at Yule.

Symbolism for this holy day revolves around what is happening naturally outside in our own backyard. Roses, bright oranges and reds, sunflowers and if it were possible to capture bird song, I am sure that would be there as well. For our alter I managed to put down a orange, red and yellow cloth. I made a 1970’s inspired sun and attached it to a large vase. I filled it with daisies, roses, lemon balm and lavender from our garden. It is simple this year but mostly because my brain was wrapped around thoughts of father’s day. Something that most holy days involve is a letting go ceremony. As I watch the symptoms of my father’s illness increase I try to remember who he was before. I try to let go of some of the implications the changes he has gone through has put our family in over the past five years. I try to let go. Letting go isn’t as easy as it once was. I am looking for security and looking for a simple black and white of what I should care about. Of course life doesn’t work this way and as I watch the constant struggle of my mother I try to remember she had thirty loving and productive years with my father before all this happened. I try to remember that during this time of my own personal transition. Where people from my past are to be passing away and all I really have is now.

So I turn to the sun on this solstice in a somber mood. I say goodbye to the young boy who called me cushion, to the crazy lady who published my first column in her magazine and I feel my baby kicking away. The circle of life in the sun’s rays.

Twilight effects on a 32 year old mother to be....

It all started a few days ago. My company had left and I was alone in the house. I had purposefully bought the first two books of the Twilight series. My thoughts? Teenage angst is the best way to recover from a very busy month. Everyone I know who has read the series has said that the writing was poor but that they made it through all four books in a week. I remember the same sort of dialog about the Harry Potter books, none of which I thought were written poorly at all. When I started Twilight I sighed… it really is poorly written. I decided to keep reading. Around 100 pages into the book I wondered what all the hype was about. I put the book down and tried to go to sleep. Five hours later I was ¾ through the book. I finished it the next morning after breakfast. That was yesterday. Now I am a little over half way through the second book and don’t have the third or fourth books yet. I know I will be finished this book by the time I go to sleep. My plan for this week was to dive right in, and that I have. I am guessing my afternoon will be spent driving to our closest local shopping centre, 30 minutes away, and hunting down the next books in the series. Sigh.

The sky was growing red when I went to dump the compost at the far end of the garden.


In the near distance I could hear the sheep bleating and a few black birds singing their songs. As the sky grew a deeper scarlet I grabbed my camera and set out for the pasture.

I stung my ankles on nettles as I positioned myself as close to the fence line as I could. The newly shorn sheep looked for a moment before continuing their grazing. The sound of the breeze through the leaves that also rattled the metal barn door lifted my dress slightly and cooled my thighs. I returned home happy.

Hands On

It has been a wonderful month of visits. It is hard to explain the joy that comes when people you love are in your space. For most people, their loved ones are in their social circle. For me, they are everywhere around the world. D has been away for 4 out of the last 6 weeks and in that time I have had both a dear friend and my favorite aunt come to stay.

It has been amazing to have loved ones here at this stage in my pregnancy. I am both big and showing yet also able to get around. It is the most wonderful mixture of potential and realization that I have had in my pregnancy so far. The time is drawing near. I am making plans in my calendar that are within the time frame of when I will have a child. It was great to have a loved one from far away to talk to my belly and to rub my tummy. When I went for a test the other day at the doctors office there was a pregnant woman with two hand prints on her t-shirt. Under the hand prints it said “HANDS OFF!” Something about being fat and pregnant is that no one really knows if you are just fat or if there is a baby inside there. No strangers come up to me and ask when I am due or if I know it is a boy or a girl. No one uninvited touches my belly. It is a quiet knowing.

It was magic to share our baby with someone other than the two of us.