Early mourning X

It is 7:31 in the morning. An hour I never visit unless before getting on a plane. My friends with children would scoff at this. Oh how lucky I am, I know. On the other hand I have been up all night with this cold I can’t shake and this sort of week long sleep deprivation gets you into funny head spaces.

I had a fitful dream between coughing last night. Not the night that I am still in, the night before. It involved an ex. The only ex worth mentioning other than the ex that tried to kill himself when I was 17. This ex was my 4 year lover that I lived with on that little island off the coast of Washington state. Before Thailand. Before self esteem. In my dream I introduced him to my husband. I was torn as I felt I was really hurting the ex. I didn’t know how to best serve the situation.

Being up at strange times makes you remember your past. I remember a friend once telling me that everyone in your dream is a reflection of who you are. If this is true, my before lover self and my current lover self are having a show down inside my heart. Not a gun battle but a challenge of letting go of the past. In my dream I didn’t love the ex anymore, I just didn’t want to hurt his feelings and focused on this worry more than I focused on my current partner. I am judging myself against who I was a lot lately. Logically knowing that I am a much happier person now than I have been in years but mourning some of the adventure that gets mixed up in drama.